


Leaving You Behind

by Gildedmuse



Category: Rent (2005), Rent - Larson
Genre: Angst, M/M, One Shot, Originally Posted on LiveJournal, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 21:02:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18699079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gildedmuse/pseuds/Gildedmuse
Summary: Benny can't stand to watch Mark anymore.





	Leaving You Behind

**Author's Note:**

> [Posted to LJ in 2005]

**Leaving You Behind**

  
  
Benny figures he can make a quick exit before anyone even realizes he is gone. He isn't exactly proud of what he is about to do, but more importantly he's hoping that the shock of leaving without note or warning will be enough to guilt Mark into a few sleepless nights. With Collins taking up that teaching offer over at MIT and Maureen God knows where there is no one to spot Benny while he packs up and hails a taxi to take him away from Alphabet City. The only one he really needs to worry about is Mark, but he spends so much time in Roger's room these days that there is no way he'll notice Benny is gone from his.  
  
Everything fits into two suitcases. Most of it is being left behind. Allison may act like she's being rebellious, dating this nobody who lives practically on the streets, but Benny is a smart man. He knows she doesn't want any part of his former life, and at this point neither does he. So he only takes his good clothes, some things from Brown, and a few pictures of the boys. His whole life reduced to two suitcases dragged carefully across the loft floor to keep from making a sound.  
  
It's the perfect escape, and Mark fucks it up as only he can.  
  
"Are you okay?" There's this unreasonable flash of hope. Benny stops at the loft door, listening for Mark. It takes him a second for his sense to come back to him. All that concern and gentleness is directed towards a very different man. Before Benny can stop himself, he's wandering towards Mark's voice. Just one last look can't hurt.  
  
Roger's door is wide open. The lights are all off, because the recovering junkie can't stand them anymore. Moonlight gives the two boys on the bed a shadowed look, like something from one of Mark's unwatched films. Roger is bending over the side, shaking and moaning as his stomach tries to empty itself out. The ailing drug addict hasn't eaten in days, so all he can do is choke on acid and the lining of his throat. Benny can smell urine and vomit and sweat. It's disgusting, the sort of thing you abandon even the most beloved relative for. So of course Mark is there, sitting next to Roger with his hand gently stroking the other boy's back. He's the picture of patients and love and true fucking friendship. More than anything it makes Benny sick.  
  
"Do you need me to get you anything, Rog?" Mark asks, voice dripping with genuine concern that you never hear these days, and this does more to turn Benny's stomach than the smell. "I'm right here, okay? If you need anything..."  
  
Benny doesn't bother trying to hide himself around the corner. It's not like Mark has eyes for anyone but Roger these days.   
  
Roger, who ripped one of Mark’s films to shreds because it had April in it. Roger, who did drugs and girls and anything but pay attention to the young man who clean up after him every time he was too high to do it himself, and sometimes even when he wasn't. Roger, who smashed in Mark's nose the first time he went into withdraw and put his friend's life in danger so many times it's nothing short of a miracle the other boy is still clean. All of this while Benny slaved away at some boring sales clerk job so that he could help pay for Mark's films and put money into savings for a Cyberarts studio in hopes that one day they wouldn't having to go without food.  
  
All of Benny's promises of a studio and a new camera and a real shot of being the director he could be, none of this could touch Roger treating him like complete shit.  
  
Like Roger deserves to even call Mark his friend, much less have the boy's undying devotion. Roger didn't know love unless it came in the form of a powder. Benny can hear him now, still moaning about April even when he had the best thing in the fucking world sitting in his bed just waiting for Roger to open his eyes.  
  
Benny can't help but hope the songwriter goes blind. He doesn't deserve Mark. Never will.  
  
"Leave me the fuck alone," Roger growls, and Benny can picture Mark's hurt look. It's the same look Mark is always wearing when it comes to Roger. "Just please, Mark."  
  
He could just go back in his room, wait for Mark to let Roger cool down before he goes back in, and he always goes back to Roger. He could still make that flawless escape, but of course he doesn't. Of course he waits there for Mark to come out of Roger's room and see him, because this is Mark and Benny can't help but act like an idiot when it comes to his old roommate.  
  
It takes him a moment to notice Benny standing by the door. He looks miserable, and even knowing he's done that to himself Benny wants to be able to hold him. To close Roger's door and keep Mark safe and happy. The thing is, Mark isn't in love with safe and happy.  
  
He looks Benny up and down, at the bags at his feet and the nice suit Alison bought him for his birthday when Mark was too busy rescuing Roger from rebounding with heroin. "Where are you going?"  
  
Benny straightens his jacket, trying to look professional and calm. Trying to look completely oblivious to how one minute Mark can sound like the most caring guy in the world, and it all disappeared when he speaks with Benny. "Alison asked me to move in."  
  
Mark looks more interested in getting himself a glass of water than the news. Benny rolls back his cuffs, making sure they were completely straight. It's easier thinking about how he looks than Mark's lack of a reaction. "Muffy finally proposed?" If it's meant to be a joke it falls completely short. Mark's exhausted from weeks of taking care of Roger. Benny's exhausted of waiting for Mark to stop playing the part of Roger's own personal martyr.   
  
"Alison," Benny corrects. She was Muffy when Benny thought it was just some thing he had going for while why he let Mark figure himself out. Benny had always been the most sensible of the group. He knew you couldn't live off half completely films and angst alone. He knew better than to think that Mark thinks of him as any more than some roommate. Someone who isn't Roger. If he has to give up, Alison is a pretty sweet girl to give it up for, and he is ready to pretend to care. "She doesn't want me living in such a hell hole. She thinks I deserve better."  
  
Benny thinks Mark deserves better, but he can't tell him this. They'd had that fight already, and it always ends with Benny being the bad guy. He's the villain because he thinks Mark shouldn't be wasting his time trying to save someone who wants to self-destruct. It's his fault that he wants to see Mark happy and holding a job that will get him somewhere, and maybe in a relationship where the person actually loves him. Not just another Maureen who can't see past his camera. Not just another Roger who can't see past himself. Evil, sell out Benny who wants Mark to get a chance to really shine when it comes to filmmaking.  
  
Benny is the bad guy because he remembers how Mark had been way back at Brown when he was rebellious, ready to take on the world with his camera, and all to wrap up in movies and Benny for selfish, druggie guitar players with a habit of self abuse and neediness. Clearly it's wrong to want to see your friend smile. To rescue them from their own kamikaze mission so that they can start living again.  
  
Mark has another non-reaction. He drowns his glass of water and refills, never quite looking at Benny but always at Roger's door as if waiting for the other boy's signal that it is okay to go back in and throw himself down at the songwriter's feet. "Always figured you be the first one moving up. Never thought you'd resort to the old marry rich scheme, though." For a whole second, Mark is smiling at him and Benny doesn't want to leave. He never really wanted to leave, but the ache in his chest feels ready to explode and Mark's momentary smiles and almost-glances that get Benny's heart running aren't worth it. "You'll invite us over for Christmas, huh? You'll be the only one with heat."  
  
Benny gives a noncommittal shrug. He wouldn't dream of introducing his in-laws to his friends. One look at Roger and they'd throw him out, ten seconds with Collins and Alison would be sent to LA and far away from Benny, the moment Maureen opened her mouth Benny would be back on the street, and of course you never introduce your girlfriend's parents to your old college boyfriend who you still love and only left as a last desperate measure. That's just not how things are done in high society. "Only if you promise not to drink all my wine, man."  
  
It's another one of those quick smiles. Shame they stopped reading Mark's eyes moths ago. "Isn't that what friend's are for? Christmas is the giving season, isn't it?"   
  
All Benny ever wanted to do for Mark is give him what he deserves. And, okay, maybe it isn't completely selfless, but what is these days? Maybe if Benny could show Mark just how good he really is, Mark would see how much better he is than Roger. Maybe he'd stop wasting his time on straight-and-dying songwriters and figure out that Benny is exactly the sort of guy he needs. Part of this wanting to give Mark everything is Benny wanting for Mark to be his again. But Benny isn't like the others, an overly optimistic artist who sees the world in shade of black-evil-rich-business and white-righteous-poor-art. It's not heard to figure out that Mark has moved on from whatever experiment they had going in college. Mark has forgotten how fucking happy Benny could make him, is still willing to make him if Mark would just give him a chance. Being the most sensible of the Boho boys, Benny knows better than to wait around for something that can't be his. When a company is merging with something way bellow it's standards, you pull out the stock. You move on. You stop sticking around some cold, broken down loft in hopes that the corporation will finally get the memo about how fucking stupid they're being.  
  
Roger and his fucked up drug use and screwing around. The way Benny sees it he practically killed himself. It doesn't seem right he has to take Mark down with him.   
  
"Taxi is waiting." Benny still has the call the damn thing, but he can't stand being in the loft with Roger and his Mark anymore.  
  
"Don't forget to call," Mark says, setting down his glass. He doesn't give Benny a second look, but heads right back into Roger's room. It's not surprising, but it sure as hell hurts. Looking back, it's stupid to think Mark would feel anything. How could he, when his heart is so wrapped up in Roger?  
  
"See you later," Benny says to the empty commons of the loft. It may not be the most heartbreaking, dramatic escape in the world, but Benny feels ready to leave. It's about time he stops trying to save Mark for loosing himself to Roger, and starts saving himself from Mark.


End file.
